Bird Flight

via Photo Challenge: Security

I realize this is a photo challenge, but I could not resist responding to the word “security”, without a story attached.

When I was a young holka (Czech for “girl”) through perhaps 32 years old, I had very few fears. It didn’t phase me at six years old to walk two miles to school by myself. At 17, I didn’t mind walking four miles home. When I reached 21, I flew to Taiwan by myself and found a source of living. I went there again by myself at 23, then traveled throughout Asia. I wasn’t intimidated as a young woman. My parents weren’t scared, as many parents would be nowadays. That fact gave me confidence, as did my general fearlessness.

The first time I really started to experience major fear was when the worst of my mental illness struck. Luckily I was married by that time to a very loving and supportive Czech husband (to explain the Czech words), but my illness grew so bad that I could no longer work. I was home facing a myriad of fears and mood issues. Scary ones! My distance from my other family made their visitations infrequent, and by that time I had developed a touch of agoraphobia and enough anxiety to make driving uncomfortable. My friends were all at work. I definitely needed something to grab onto for security during the daytime. Luckily I had a couple of things.

During the last several years I’ve taken up residence in my bedroom for most of the days. I chose my bedroom for a few reasons. One was that it allowed me to have a constant view of my beloved pet parrot, Maly Kluk (Czech for “little guy”). A second was that I had the comfort, warmth, and security of my bed. On my bed I would lounge with my laptop on my lap, with my sweet parrot usually on my shoulder. We’d often be sitting cheek-to-cheek. I’d feel the silky softness of his green feathers. If he wasn’t on me, he was just six feet away in his cage, staring at me for hours unless he was preening his feathers or taking a drink or bite of his food. I was his entertainment. He watched me like a TV. Making sure I was well. Waiting for me to take him out again. With him, I was never alone.

My laptop has also been a great friend to me for years. Thank goodness for the internet! My friends on forums have always been available for chats. Hubby just an e-mail away. I was, and still am, a very frequent visitor to these forums. I even became a group leader for one as a volunteer.

Sometimes when my parrot was with me in bed he’d get jealous, and attack my keyboard and laptop screen. “Pay attention to me!”, he’d say, so I’d put the laptop aside and give him a scratch on the head and cheek, and we’d play soccer with a ping pong ball, or he’d “help” me fold the laundry.

In my second post on WordPress I sadly announced that my Maly Kluk passed away recently. It was devastating! Both my husband and I grieved for weeks. We still think of him every day and put a small flower arrangement next to his cage. Being alone without him has been so hard to handle. I rely on my online friends even more.

Recently I realized that I needed even more of a distraction than forums, housework, and errands. I needed to immerse myself in something rewarding. Enter WordPress.

I have been blogging on WordPress since February 24th. It has been the greatest new therapy tool for me, and has helped me through my grief. I wrote about it briefly just yesterday in my post “My therapeutic writing is on the cusp of a new period.” I get so excited each day to read others’ thoughts. To see what others saw through the lens of their cameras. I just love writing about new things! I have also appreciated others’ comments and support more than you can imagine. It is a different kind of support than what I get from the forums. It is my new source of daytime security. Thank you to everyone who has supported me on WordPress! And thank you all for letting me peek into your worlds!

So evening is approaching and my dear hubby will return home. During the winter we would cuddle together in front of the warm fireplace listening to it crackle and pop. Now Spring has come and we’ll go walking after dinner hand in hand. Looking at the flowers and the forsythia bloom. Watching for our other birds.

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