Sensory overload

curtains drawn

I am feeling far from sunny today. Grief fills my heart, mind and soul and everything around me looks grey and decaying. Even with my bedroom light turned on I feel overwhelmed. I shut my curtains for relief. It’s almost as if I have a migraine, but there is no headache, per se. No, my head doesn’t ache, but a great weight is bearing down on it, causing dullness in thinking, strain, and utter fatigue.

My thoughts are full of pessimism. They are sometimes desperate, and sometimes just the opposite, full of resignation and defeat. Even forced accomplishments are giving me no satisfaction or feelings of mastery. Yes, tasks needed to be done, but deep down I wish I never even did them, to be rebellious. Staying in my dark room with my head covered with the comforter provides a more comforting feeling. An almost “nothingness” feeling. Nothingness is better than suffering and strain, but it’s a dangerous feeling to grasp onto for too long. It brings with it temptations, like thoughts of death.

People are encouraging me to get outside. There have been many sunny days lately. I drag myself down the stairs obediently, and onto the deck to sit on the rocking chair. Birds fly by, but despite my usual love of them they seem more like gnats invading the airspace. Their gleeful calls remind me of car alarms going off repeatedly. The sun may be warm, but its brightness is overbearing. The whole experience feels like sensory overload. I yearn for quiet darkness again so return to my dark nook in the house.

Occasionally I must get up to at least relieve myself. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and see scraggly hair and drooping eyes. Even my skin color is sallow. My eyes are dull with no twinkle. My mouth is heading towards a frown, but even that takes too much effort. I amble back to my bed like that of a sloth on a branch, but I’m glad to escape the ghost I just saw so I keep pulling.

My only connection to the world is through my laptop or cell phone. On occasion I turn them on and see if anyone has contacted me. But contact has slowed down. I hear from no one most of the day, but a few advertisers trying to sell products I don’t want, organizations trying to solicit my money, or bipolar e-mail blasts with topics that compound my depression. Even if the topics are meant to be inspirational or cheerleading, they too, annoy me. I say shove your optimism up your butt!  Yes, a quick spark of anger shoots out of nowhere for a millisecond and then deflates me further than before.

The phone rings and I do not answer. It’s another junk call, I’m sure. I hide my head under the pillow to muffle the sound, and when the call goes to my answering machine I hear just a click. Ring, ring, ring. Click. Ring, ring, ring. Click. This happens throughout the day. It begins to feel like the devil is calling for me. I keep resisting. If I don’t, I answer in fury.

Note: Written June 28, 2017

22 thoughts on “Sensory overload

  1. ekmartinauthor June 28, 2017 / 1:51 pm

    Well written. I can feel depression coming through on this post. Thanks for sharing and putting it out there, perhaps it’s therapeutic; it feels real. Ring. Click. Ring. Click. It’s a vicious cycle.

    Liked by 1 person

    • updownflight June 28, 2017 / 2:01 pm

      Thanks, ekmartinauthor. Yes, it did give me a certain amount of relief to write about this. I printed this post out (from my MS Word version) and will read it to my psychiatrist today. Otherwise, sometimes I see him and just can’t think of words to accurately describe my situation.

      Like

  2. Nel June 28, 2017 / 2:14 pm

    You know, I’m not feeling the same feelings you are today but I really do hate the sun. It’s bright and likes to wake me up when I don’t want to be woken up. Keep your head up girlie. And I agree with ekmartinauthor, just sharing with us and letting it out was probably therapeutic even if only for a moment.

    Liked by 1 person

    • updownflight June 28, 2017 / 2:18 pm

      That’s the good thing about curtains. They can take away the bite of too much brightness. Do you sleep on the side of your house that gets the morning sun?

      Thanks for the encouraging words, Nel. And yes, writing this helped. I am going to read my post to my doctor. That will simplify things.

      Like

  3. bipolarsojourner June 28, 2017 / 3:10 pm

    man, is sucks to be where you are. your descriptions sound a lot like my hell holes. it’s not a fun place to be.

    if i were there, i’d just sit with you. no words would have to be exchanged unless that’s you want. sometimes the presence of someone with no strings attached offer me a brief escape from my darkness.

    feel free to contact me directly. i feel as there is already a bond forming between us. from your writings, i get you. if you’d like to contact me directly, my email address can be found on my about page.

    Liked by 1 person

    • updownflight June 28, 2017 / 3:27 pm

      Hi bipolarsojourner. I have felt that you understand a lot of what I’m writing about. Thank you for the offer. I’ll take you up on your offer when I really need to.

      It’s strange, though. Sometimes when I’m like this I don’t want anyone around. It’s like I want to be alone in misery. When hubby is home sometimes he is in his library and I’m in the bedroom. I do like to see him, but not the whole day. Sometimes with him he is watching TV or reading something out loud.

      I do like cuddling with him, though. That does help me.

      Liked by 1 person

      • bipolarsojourner June 28, 2017 / 4:41 pm

        stop writing my words! no i mean it! 🙂

        your words remind we so much of mine. my wife is a human doing. just being there with me is hard. one time i just asked her to hold me. that lasted 3 minutes before she said,”but, i don’t feel like i’m doing anything.” that was years ago to make a point. she can now just be with me.

        Liked by 1 person

      • updownflight June 28, 2017 / 4:46 pm

        I’m glad your wife realized the benefits for you of being with you when you really need her. My husband has, too, though sometimes he falls asleep while doing so. But that’s OK. A snoring cozy and warm cuddle is almost as good as an alert one.

        Like

    • updownflight June 28, 2017 / 5:03 pm

      Thank you, pipersadventures! Thank you for the prayers, as well.

      I am going through a rough patch here, but am confident that with some help from my mental healthcare team, my husband, and my many supporters online and locally that it will pass. You’ve probably heard “This, too, shall pass.” I try to remind myself of that. My life experience has shown me that rough patches do end. However, when it feels rough it’s hard not to feel the “roughness” of it.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. NaPropasti June 28, 2017 / 5:13 pm

    Kafka wouldn’t describe your state of deep funk better. You writing has so much rhythm and sound evocation, it reminds me of a Chopin’s tristful nocturne. Please feel better soon, I’m sending a bunch of nimbostratus clouds in your direction to obscure the pesky rays.

    Liked by 1 person

    • updownflight June 28, 2017 / 5:24 pm

      That’s a huge compliment, NaPropasti. Not just the statement about Kafka, but especially the one about Chopin’s nocturne. You are extremely generous! Thanks for the clouds.

      Liked by 1 person

    • updownflight August 7, 2017 / 1:09 pm

      I’m glad you got past your depression, dronstadblog. I am working on it. I do write, as you see, but of course there is more I should add to my life. It is difficult, though, when you feel paralyzed to some degree. It takes a push from behind. Either one from others, or one that you somehow engineer yourself.

      Liked by 1 person

      • dronstadblog August 7, 2017 / 1:24 pm

        Dealing alone with your problems will solve them for ever, but I know it can get dreaded sometimes when you really don’t see the way out. If you struggle, you will get though. The most important thing is to admit you need help and let good people provide you with a solution. If needed, watch comedy movies and talk to yourself in the mirror. It sounds strange, but when I finally went full psycho I have no problems. 😀 Laugh, even if it’s forced. That blows the steam down and gives a little of breathing room. Step at the time, short but meaningful… You move forward.

        Liked by 1 person

      • updownflight August 7, 2017 / 1:32 pm

        Hi dronstadblog. You give a lot of good suggestions. Many of them sound like Dialectical Behavioral Therapy type suggestions. Yes, not giving up is key.

        Have you had a diagnosed mental illness? If so, you’d know that it is a huge struggle sometimes to make such therapeutic suggestions work.

        I am doing a little better since I wrote this post in late June. Progress can be slow, though. I do receive both medical and therapeutic support. If you do have a mental illness you understand that it is very hard work and requires much patience to see results sometimes.

        Liked by 1 person

      • dronstadblog August 7, 2017 / 1:38 pm

        Never had something as serious as you, but I do understand the things you go through. The doctor explained to me like in a pack of wolfs, I behaved like a lone wolf, and people are sociable creatures that can’t go on alone. I had panic attacks, physical changes and mood swings that made me very unpredictable and violent. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

        Liked by 1 person

      • updownflight August 7, 2017 / 2:07 pm

        Thanks for sharing, dronstadblog. Yes, depression and other mental illnesses are not as uncommon as people think. I don’t feel alone, and I know most of us appreciate sharing and supporting each other, and sharing advice.

        Liked by 1 person

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