I am feeling far from sunny today. Grief fills my heart, mind and soul and everything around me looks grey and decaying. Even with my bedroom light turned on I feel overwhelmed. I shut my curtains for relief. It’s almost as if I have a migraine, but there is no headache, per se. No, my head doesn’t ache, but a great weight is bearing down on it, causing dullness in thinking, strain, and utter fatigue.
My thoughts are full of pessimism. They are sometimes desperate, and sometimes just the opposite, full of resignation and defeat. Even forced accomplishments are giving me no satisfaction or feelings of mastery. Yes, tasks needed to be done, but deep down I wish I never even did them, to be rebellious. Staying in my dark room with my head covered with the comforter provides a more comforting feeling. An almost “nothingness” feeling. Nothingness is better than suffering and strain, but it’s a dangerous feeling to grasp onto for too long. It brings with it temptations, like thoughts of death.
People are encouraging me to get outside. There have been many sunny days lately. I drag myself down the stairs obediently, and onto the deck to sit on the rocking chair. Birds fly by, but despite my usual love of them they seem more like gnats invading the airspace. Their gleeful calls remind me of car alarms going off repeatedly. The sun may be warm, but its brightness is overbearing. The whole experience feels like sensory overload. I yearn for quiet darkness again so return to my dark nook in the house.
Occasionally I must get up to at least relieve myself. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and see scraggly hair and drooping eyes. Even my skin color is sallow. My eyes are dull with no twinkle. My mouth is heading towards a frown, but even that takes too much effort. I amble back to my bed like that of a sloth on a branch, but I’m glad to escape the ghost I just saw so I keep pulling.
My only connection to the world is through my laptop or cell phone. On occasion I turn them on and see if anyone has contacted me. But contact has slowed down. I hear from no one most of the day, but a few advertisers trying to sell products I don’t want, organizations trying to solicit my money, or bipolar e-mail blasts with topics that compound my depression. Even if the topics are meant to be inspirational or cheerleading, they too, annoy me. I say shove your optimism up your butt! Yes, a quick spark of anger shoots out of nowhere for a millisecond and then deflates me further than before.
The phone rings and I do not answer. It’s another junk call, I’m sure. I hide my head under the pillow to muffle the sound, and when the call goes to my answering machine I hear just a click. Ring, ring, ring. Click. Ring, ring, ring. Click. This happens throughout the day. It begins to feel like the devil is calling for me. I keep resisting. If I don’t, I answer in fury.
Note: Written June 28, 2017