I will love you forever, and you will never die

heart grass

It was September 2004 when my mental illness worsened more than ever before; due to several factors I won’t go into here. My husband was quite concerned and decided to take me to the mountains to recover. Prior to the trip, I found that my mother seemed quite unwell, always in her bed napping. My father and I discussed the matter, but he said her doctor just told her to get some rest and take some pills he prescribed for her.

Hubby and I made it to the mountains, but not yet to the cottage we rented before a phone call finally reached us. It was my dad sounding beside himself, beckoning us to return. My mother was in the hospital. He wouldn’t go into details then, but told us it was very serious. When I reached my parents’ house, my dad didn’t mince with words.  He said the doctor at the hospital said she was dying.

I couldn’t believe what I just heard. I refused to believe it. Even when I visited my mom it was clear I was in great denial. I must confess that during the seven days that she had left I was unable to even visit her frequently, given my distress. The last time I saw her it was finally clear that she was unwell beyond repair. I remember on my way out of her room looking at her straight in the eyes and saying “I will love you forever.” Once we left the ICU (out of her earshot and sight), I broke down in extreme. My husband had to hold me up as I struggled to walk away from her for the very last time. I remember wailing, not just crying, in a way I had never done before.

Though everyone in my family was clearly devastated at our loss, my youngest nephew seemed to take it particularly hard. I remember hugging his head to my breast and telling him that she will never be truly gone. “She will live on forever in our hearts, and in me, your mother, your uncle, you, and your brother.” I was trying to be strong.

mother and daughter
Is that you, Mom?

I indeed took my mother’s death particularly hard. It was only a short time before I found myself hospitalized. Over a four year period, more psychiatric hospitalizations followed. At no time during these years could I think of my mother’s good days, her sweet ways, or even her special smile. I couldn’t even look at her photograph without sinking further into despair. It actually took about four more years until positive memories of her returned. And when they did, I realized that in my youth I had been able to memorize even the smallest details of her movements, sayings, voice, and face. Now I think about and look at her photo every day with a smile, and blow her a kiss. I even find myself giggle when I catch myself or siblings sounding or moving like her. Yes, I was right when I told my nephew she would live on in us.

Loss of a loved one is always a tragedy, but nothing is worse than losing someone dear in the spring of their life. That nephew I held to my breast, soon after my mother’s death, has also recently passed. Cancer took my mom, but depression took my sister’s son.

I was fairly well just before my nephew suddenly left us. That afforded me enough strength to quickly prepare (with my husband’s help) some remembrances before his memorial. Though the grieving was still so painful, I still see him in my mind clearly. I see him throughout his youth, up until soon before his last day. I’m not exactly feeling the same kind of denial I felt before my mother passed away. Yes, I know he’s no longer present in full body. Well, sometimes I think he’s just still alive and I’ll see him the next time I visit my sister. Or that he’s off somewhere to college, like I always wished him to be. I don’t know. That gives me some comfort.

I do know that my mother and nephew are together in beautiful woods overlooking a majestic river. Plant life grows on that spot, and animals pass by. To me, this is another way beyond my heart and family that make it impossible for them to ever die. I plan to walk there often in upcoming years, and see them grow in nature. We’ll all remember that special spot, and our memories and love for them will live everywhere and forever.Save

29 thoughts on “I will love you forever, and you will never die

    • updownflight September 1, 2017 / 5:36 pm

      Thank you, thesecretblogofa30yearold. I teared up, too, when reposting it.

      I do feel like I’m at a much better place than I was. Though grieving is sort of a life-long thing, acceptance does come. There are many ways we can look at death as a means of rebirth. Those ways give comfort.

      Liked by 2 people

      • thesecretblogofa30yearold September 1, 2017 / 5:49 pm

        I hope writing about it helps too, I find it really therapeutic posting things and sending them out into the world, some how it helps me let go. Well done being heave enough to repost xxx

        Liked by 2 people

      • updownflight September 1, 2017 / 6:15 pm

        Thanks so much! It did help. Yesterday I was unsure, but today is another day.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Melissa A. September 1, 2017 / 7:43 pm

    Oh, I’m so sorry about your mom and nephew! I’m glad you shared this, because so many of us can relate. In my case, I have found that the profound grieving eventually fades to lovely memories that flash through your mind when least expected. And sometimes I still dream about him and it’s been almost 15 years since his passing at the young age of 35.

    You are right when you said that they live on inside of us. They do, they really do. Our hearts and minds will always remember them ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • updownflight September 1, 2017 / 7:59 pm

      Thank you for reading this post, as well, Melissa. I do hope that others will see your comment after reading my post, so that they know things get easier. I just hope that people who lose a loved one won’t feel bad about initially only feeling the hurt and remembering the tough stuff.

      I am lucky that when both my mom and nephew died I had only had loving and peaceful memories with them. I feel extra sympathy for those who lose a loved one when there were certain regrets. Like regrets for not doing or saying something in particular.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wind Kisses September 2, 2017 / 12:07 am

    Grateful for your husband’s wisdom and encouragement, in telling you to keep this. I think it brings healing to you, as well as many others who don’t necessarily know how to express it. I believe…. People pass twice. Once when they breath their last breath, and again when their name is spoken for the last time. Say their names. This was a gift to them today too. Hugs…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Vandana September 2, 2017 / 7:31 am

    Hi Cindy, reading about losing and missing your mum and then your nephew is heart wrenching. But I guess writing about your feelings is quite healing because as time moves the beautiful memories stay alive in those words. Stay blessed and happy for that’s what your mum and nephew would want from those faraway lands..

    Liked by 2 people

    • updownflight September 2, 2017 / 1:05 pm

      Hi Vandana, it does help to write about it. I also wanted to communicate a little bit about the grieving process. Though it’s not experienced the same way by all people, and beliefs about death and afterlife vary, some aspects can be relatable.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Vandana September 2, 2017 / 1:32 pm

        True it is, Cindy. Death of a very near and dear one, is something that cannot be ever forgotten, many never cope over their grief while some allow time to fade them into sweet memories. Hope your memories shine like the twinkling stars in the silent night sky.

        Liked by 1 person

      • updownflight September 2, 2017 / 1:45 pm

        Thank you, Vandana.

        By the way, have taken a little break from writing in your blog? The last poem was from a while ago? You know I love your poetry.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Vandana September 2, 2017 / 1:48 pm

        Thank you Cindy for enquiring. I was away for a while on a short break. I’m back and will start weaving some poetical pieces soon. I have just posted an article on my blog, if you would like to read.. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Joanna Maguire September 5, 2017 / 8:43 am

        I wanted you to know that I had read this post and really felt for you, the words weren’t coming though. So a hug seemed a good alternative 💜

        Liked by 1 person

  4. floatinggold September 6, 2017 / 4:25 am

    This hit home for me.
    Glad you’re better.
    The imagery in the last paragraph was rather serene!

    Liked by 1 person

    • updownflight September 6, 2017 / 4:41 am

      I am better, thank you. I was happy with how things ended. It was a long time until I felt my mother was finally put to rest. I’m just so sorry that it had to be after the way too premature death of my youngest nephew.

      Like

  5. dawnwairimu September 6, 2017 / 4:39 pm

    I’m sorry for your loss. This was very sad and also beautifully written.

    Liked by 1 person

    • updownflight September 6, 2017 / 6:25 pm

      Thanks for reading my post, dawnwairimu. It is sad to lose the ones you love, but I am so lucky I will always have the memories.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Hussein Allam September 9, 2017 / 7:16 pm

    So true, i know how much hard and sad when losing someone we love.Particularly, dearest and nearest. I sometimes wish that it could be a dream and when we wake up, we find it not the truth. At the end, we have to accept, and keep our hope alive in ourselves, because life without hope is useless. Therefore, hope what makes alive in the real time and place. God bless, updownflight!🌹

    Liked by 1 person

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