Rejection of good family members – Why?

abuseWhat did my mother ever do to you? What did her children, including me, do to you? Throughout our lives you showed us so much hate. You were critical of something we did or didn’t do at least once every time we ever saw you. I just don’t understand why you treated us like that. Why?

From the stories I’ve been told, my mother had a strong will when she was a child, but I don’t think she was a brat. She may have been resistant to doing things she thought were fundamentally wrong or ridiculous. She felt strong enough about her convictions that she’d stand up to you and even take your beatings and your verbal abuse, and your verbal abuse was often quite harsh. Really it was your mouth that did the most abusing during all of my mother’s life. You said to her what you said to me, that you wish “someone else like X” would have been your daughter/granddaughter instead of us. You called all of my siblings bad, and many other mean names. You even hit us for the most minor offenses, and even fabricated offenses. My brother was the most rebellious against your wrath, and he paid dearly for that. But he continued to rebel (like my mother often did), because being subservient to you was less desirable.

You fought with my father, as well, from as early as his childhood. [Yes, my mom and dad were even childhood sweethearts.] You considered him a hooligan and disrespectful, and insulted his family. He was even once insulted by you so badly that he broke your screen door in anger. Perhaps that was too much, but the vitriol you spewed out made it hard for him to control his frustration.

I would like to let this post’s readers all know that my mother, dad, and siblings and I were good people. We all worked hard in life and played by the rules. We were kind and giving people. My mother did many things to try to please and appease this old woman. We definitely didn’t understand why this goodness looked so different to this old woman I’ve been describing. Was she delusional? And yet, my maternal uncle, though a good man too, got into so much more trouble than my mother in his youth and hardly paid a price at all, at least comparitively. Later down the line my maternal uncle’s wife, adopted son, and even dogs were put on higher pedestals than those in my immediate family. Actually, this woman’s friends and even strangers were treated much better than my mother, father, siblings and I.

The very last day my mother was at home the old woman came bitching that my mother hadn’t visited her for a while. Yes, this old woman expected visits. She didn’t want to miss opportunities to criticize or control. But my mother was gravely ill. She had been very overweight for a while, but it happened that her liver had swelled to several times its normal size, making her look even bigger. That wasn’t discovered until the next day in the hospital, believe it or not. So what did this woman say to my mother on that visit? She called my mother “a pig”, instead of being concerned about her health. Yes, a pig! Not that that would be even remotely acceptable under any circumstances.

Being sick and taking one too many insults, my mother yelled at her to “get the Hell out of my house”. So the old woman stormed out and didn’t see my mother again until she went to the hospital where my mother was dying. From what I’ve heard, neither spoke to each other much at all in the hospital. At my mother’s funeral, the old woman said virtually nothing to my father, siblings or I, either.

This old woman still expected visits from my father, siblings and I after my mother’s death. I’ll admit that I saw her a few more times, but couldn’t get the “pig” insult to my mom out of my head, which my mother told me about in the hospital. Then I just stopped visiting this old woman. My siblings saw her twice more in a nursing home, but the old woman chased them out for no good reason.

The old woman eventually died. She left all of her wealth to my uncle, his wife and son. My siblings and I got pretty much nothing. At her funeral, I guess my uncle told the minister to be careful how he praised her. Definitely calling her a kind and loving mother and grandmother was not entirely true. My uncle and his family sat near the grave site. My family stood some distance away. My uncle and his family told loving stories about her. My family said nothing at all at the event.

I will never know why my mother and her family were treated so badly. It will always be a mystery. It’s a real shame. She lost out on being loved by some pretty damned good people. Luckily for us, we did have a sweet maternal grandfather (who was nitpicked by his wife) and wonderful paternal grandparents.

13 thoughts on “Rejection of good family members – Why?

  1. Irene September 1, 2017 / 2:16 pm

    Geez- I am sorry you all had to endure that. There seems to be one in every family – we have ours and I have been her target since I was small. I recently cut her off- as did other family members. The ones that enable her and still put up with it amaze me. I never understand how people can treat family so horribly and expect to still be ‘respected’. Not happening!

    Liked by 1 person

    • updownflight September 1, 2017 / 2:19 pm

      Thanks for sharing, Irene. It is sad that it is so common in families. My husband says he thinks my maternal grandmother had a low self esteem deep down and maybe that played some part in it. But I don’t understand why my uncle and his family were spared. My mother really was a wonderful person. I can’t imagine why she was treated so poorly.

      My mom was not only a wonderful mother, but a wonderful grandmother. We’re lucky she took after her father instead of mother in that respect.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Irene September 1, 2017 / 2:28 pm

        We think that is the case with our family member. She has issues… a lot of them are anger issues and she truly suffers from a classic case of narcissism. She was mad at my dad- and it someone ended up being taken out on me as a child- she tried to get away with it in secret- but became bolder the more I told on her- it was brushed off (Adults were afraid of her) … as an adult it was sickening. She appeared to have changed her ways- but recently she started up on me again- taking offense to something that wasn’t even anything to take offense too- immediately followed by ripping apart my sister and I for our nationality! I refuse to expose my children to that and I cut her off. I have no regrets. I’m a bit mad at my dad for staying in contact and pretending it didn’t happen…but that is his choice.

        It sounds like you had a great mother. I am sorry your grandmother missed out on figuring that out herself!

        Liked by 1 person

      • updownflight September 1, 2017 / 2:39 pm

        Yes, I guess cutting family off is sometimes the only answer. That is very, though. But if the abusive person can’t seem to stop it and it outweighs the advantage of the relationship, what can you do?

        Like

  2. Melissa A. September 1, 2017 / 6:56 pm

    I’m sorry that your family had to endure this woman’s hatred. Especially your mother. I can’t help but wonder what this evil grandmother went through when she was young? Was she abused? Scorned by a man? Did her own mother treat her the same way she treated your family? Or perhaps she was mentally ill and never diagnosed.

    Please don’t think that I’m condoning this woman’s behavior in any way – I’m not! But there’s usually a reason for the way people behave the way they do. It may be buried so deep in their subconscious, that they don’t even realize the hurt they are causing others.

    On the other hand, there are simply some truly miserable people in this world. And as the saying goes, “Misery loves company”. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    • updownflight September 1, 2017 / 7:03 pm

      Melissa, you ask some good questions. My answers are only speculation. As for being abused, my great grandmother (her mother) wasn’t reluctant to hit her kids, but things were different back then. I don’t think my great grandmother was as verbally abusive as my grandmother. But then again, I don’t know for sure. My great grandmother wasn’t that bad to my mother or my siblings or I. I remember her up until about 12-13 years old.

      I do think my grandmother had a mental illness. My dad says he thinks she did. She apparently had some kind of mental breakdown when she was young, but never got a diagnosis (or didn’t pursue treatment). I’m just not so sure why she was so much kinder to my uncle and his family than to my mom and hers. Really, my mom did a hell of a lot more for my grandmother than my uncle ever did. My uncle was more of a taker. My mom was more of a giver.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Melissa A. September 1, 2017 / 7:30 pm

        That’s sad. I guess you might never know the reason for her animosity towards your family. I hope that you and your family will eventually be able to get past these horrible memories and move on. Have strength in the fact that you know how wonderful your family really is! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Vandana September 2, 2017 / 7:35 am

    Aah! so this was the maternal grandma I remember you once described to me…she seems such a vicious person. Her loss indeed.

    Liked by 1 person

    • updownflight September 2, 2017 / 8:21 am

      I think so, too. My mom, siblings, and I had a lot of love to give, but it’s hard to fully give it to a person who is so mean.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Vandana September 2, 2017 / 11:59 am

        I can understand, it isn’t easy to love someone who refuses to accept or reciprocate the goodness in people.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Darlene J Lane September 2, 2017 / 7:04 pm

    Your Mom was one of my most favorite people. I loved her and to this day….miss her smile and
    Generous spirit.
    No one should treat their loved ones with malice especially a family that should be precious to a grandmother/mother….so sorry to hear all of that nastiness.😔

    Liked by 1 person

    • updownflight September 3, 2017 / 1:04 am

      Thanks, Darlene. It is a shame that that was the case since my mother and my siblings and I wanted her to see our best points, which far outnumbered any negative ones. I will never understand her behavior towards us.

      Like

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