I have always hated the word “obedient”. I never thought of anyone being my master. Even bosses years down the line. Sure, I reported to them, and fulfilled my job requirements, but I always thought of myself as either part of a team, or as someone who brought value to the organization through my knowledge, creativity, and initiative.
I suppose in my school years some may have called me disobedient. I talked back to some teachers or challenged them when I felt they were wrong. I sometimes behaved poorly according to traditional standards. I spent evenings and/or weekends in suspension. Once I even got the paddle at school (that was almost 40 years ago in Pennsylvania). Standing in corners, being sent to the hallway, or even the principal’s office was not uncommon for me, but I didn’t mind. I stood up for my principles or felt the punishment was worth the freedom of committing what they thought was a wrong, but I didn’t.
I wasn’t always perceived as a bad girl, in fact, hubby still thinks I’ve had more “goody two shoe” moments in my past, than not. I don’t deliberately cause trouble, I just do what I want as seems right to me so I can soar in the direction the winds of my songs take me. I have never, it should be noted, done anything deliberately to hurt anyone. That’s never my way, and I hope wouldn’t be the way of others, but sin or crime is not the topic of this post. That’s a different conversation, part of which I wrote about in the past in “Hating is not fair”.
I suppose my illness has caused me to say and do some things I regret, but before I knew I had an illness, most bad behavior seemed external to the real me. But I now know that my illness can take control, so it is my responsibility to adhere to treatment to prevent behavioral problems. That, however, is not obedience, but a necessary step to preserve the real me. If I refuse treatment, however, I see that as letting the illness win. In a way, I guess I do disobey the illness’ addictive wiles, but it is a good type of disobedience. It is not unlike the fight I fought as a teen. One for my freedom and stand for my true core principles.
Sometimes I’ve found myself a little lonely. That has happened because of my unwillingness to play a “game” I don’t like or agree with. But that is the choice I make. As long as I’m happier not playing “games” in life than doing so, I am adequately at peace. Luckily, I have found a path in life that suits me (with the people I love), and at the same time maintains a peace in my life’s realm.
Punishment is only true punishment if you allow it to be. Disobedience is only disobedience if you consider yourself under someone else’s control. Soar in the direction you want unless it also cuts off that path from others.