Yesterday I woke up refreshed from a trip to the sunny south, kind of like a much needed winter migration vacation. The light and warmth seemed to recharge my energy and soul. For the first time in ages I got into the car and drove. I stopped here and there, and it seemed like everywhere on a special new found mission. Even though I eventually returned home, I didn’t feel like I drove “back” to any place. Instead, it was like a one-way ride heading forward for a change. My front door was like the entrance to a new house and inside I didn’t head to any old safe nook. I explored new rooms, walked around different corners. Saw things I never before recalled seeing.
This morning I’m resting in bed typing this post, but I have new plans in mind. Yes, I’ve got plans again and a goal I know I can work towards. Once I submit this post I know I’ll be up and moving forward again. Progress! Progress! No regression. Even if I make just baby steps forward it will take me to someplace new. I feel the delightful fluttering in my stomach of positive anticipation. As I wrote yesterday, I see myself as brave again. I can see myself fighting the fears and leaving them behind in the gutter.
I know that my mental illness will always be present, but I feel that I’ve finally grown to be its worthy adversary. You punch my face, but you don’t knock me out you mother fucker! From now on it’s going to be my way or the highway. Yea, try to be sneaky with me and pull me backwards and I’m going to claw the ground screaming bloody murder.
I am a bird who won’t be caged anymore. My flight feathers that you trimmed to ground me have started to fall out, and new full ones are starting to sprout. Every day when I test a flight I go further than I’ve gone before. Before I know it, they’ll be full and I’ll start to soar in the air using all my feathers as they were originally intended. I need only flap my full wings on occasion to continue gliding. That will be my beautiful “Bird Flight”, up and down as the wind takes me. If I encounter a ferocious storm, I will hide, but when the sun shines again, and it will again shine, I’ll be out again flying high.
Today the sky is azure blue and the sun is shining bright. Out my door I’ll go, without hesitation or any internal fight. I know that many of my friends who have shared my plight may not have made my progress, but you will. The sun will shine in your town. Your flight feathers will grow, too.