Two different kinds of prejudice and my inability to speak up one time

mental illness stigmaOn this day, I read a story written by a compassionate and courageous woman on a bipolar support forum. I really admired how she, a non-psych nurse, treated a manic teen in a general hospital. The manic teen’s behavior to an outsider would have seemed shocking, but she knew that it was not his fault, but that he was ill and needed help and understanding. After encountering ignorance and prejudice against the mentally ill boy by other staff, she spoke up to defend him and challenge stigma. That reminded me of an occasion when I, on tenterhooks, didn’t speak up about two kinds of prejudice.

One morning, about three plus years ago, I had an overwhelming desire to get out of the house for an early lunch. I didn’t want to drive far, so I went to the local diner. I normally didn’t go there because the food was lousy to mediocre at best. There were predictably few people there because of that fact.

The diner manager/owner acted as host and sat me in a booth. A waitress came quickly and I immediately ordered a sandwich and Diet Coke. While I waited, I noticed that I sat across from an elderly African American woman. I noticed her trying on a few occasions to get the waitress’s attention. The waitress finally came to her table after a couple minutes. I then overheard the elderly lady say that her eggs tasted like dirty grill, and her toast was nearly burnt. The waitress then said that she’d tell the manager.

While she waited for the manager, the elderly woman started a conversation with me about her two kids. She seemed very friendly. Then she brought up that it seemed a long time that the manager was yet to come. I agreed. Finally the manager arrived and asked her in a brusque way what her complaint was. She repeated to him what she had told the waitress. In response, he said “Well, you’ve already eaten half of your eggs. What do you want me to do about it?”

That rude statement and question seemed to shock the lady, and me. She then said to the manager that “I thought that if you knew that the food was not good that you’d appreciate the feedback.”

“OK, I now have your feedback,” he said. “Is there anything else you want me to do?”

The elderly lady looked down and said “No, it’s fine.” Then the manager/owner walked away.

I felt horrible about the manager’s behavior. How unprofessional and what poor customer service! So I looked at the elderly lady and said “I can certainly imagine that your eggs taste horrible. This place is not known for their good food. That’s why it’s half empty here. I normally don’t come here, myself.”

She then lifted her toast in my direction and said “Don’t you agree that it’s burnt?”

“It definitely looks burnt, in my opinion,” I said.

Then with a little courage and wee bit of anger showing in her eyes, she said “I think maybe he didn’t apologize because I’m an old black lady.”

Her statement stunned me for a few seconds, and almost stuttering I said “Oh oh, I don’t know. Maybe so.”

sexism racism homophobiaI looked down and the scenario played through my head again. Then I played in my head a scenario where I, a middle-aged white woman, had the same situation with the waitress and manager. Would she and he have apologized to me, and thanked me for the feedback? Maybe even discounted the meal? My stomach grew a little upset because I thought that maybe the answer may well have been yes. In any case, what a horrible establishment this was indeed! I was never going to return. I was ashamed how naive I was thinking that in my state in the US (a generally liberal state), and especially my town, that such prejudice would barely exist anymore. Little did I know that months later, my eyes would be opened even more about the continuing widespread prejudice in the country.

The waitress gave the elderly woman her bill. The elderly woman then looked up at me and said she enjoyed talking to me. I said the same to her and apologized to her that she was poorly treated. She said that she would never come to that restaurant again, that the tire shop within walking-distance recommended the place. I said that next time she ever goes for tire service to go to the bagel shop, instead. She then said goodbye, went to the cash register where the manager/owner was standing, paid the bill, and then left.

I immediately asked for my check because I didn’t want to remain in the diner any longer. Then to my surprise, a man who was apparently sitting in the booth behind me came to me and said in an obnoxious way, “What a looney she was! Really! I worked in the psychiatric ward at X psychiatric hospital and had to deal with those types all the time!” Then he walked away even though I said nothing with a shocked stare.

At that moment, I felt completely paralyzed. I had been a psychotic patient with bipolar mania at that very hospital a few years before, and several times at another nearby psychiatric hospital. He didn’t know that, of course. He thought I might be sitting there thinking he was right about everything he said, and that it was the elderly woman who was at fault in some way and NOT the manager/owner? How wrong he was! And she certainly didn’t display any kind of “loony” behavior. I wondered what would have gone through that man’s head if he actually saw me clearly unwell, mentally.

I picked up my bill and walked to the cash register. The manager said something supposedly friendly to me with a smile. I gave him my credit card in a daze. I signed the slip and left for home.

When I got home, and snapped out of my daze, I felt intensely angry and disappointed in myself for not being able to speak up and defend the elderly African American lady AND people with mental illnesses. I told my husband the story when he got home, and he told me that now that I have seen this prejudice with my own eyes clearly, I WILL have the strength to do more to fight ignorance and hate.

My mental illness still keeps me home, but I have tried, as I can, to do things to make up for that day. I try to regularly contribute to the National Alliance on Mental Illness and Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. I’ve recently, and in the past, written to my congressmen and senators about mental health and all issues of prejudice. I occasionally write blog posts against hate and stigma. Hopefully I’ll do even more in the future, especially have that courage to speak up on the spot that my husband mentioned, and that the nurse had for the teen boy.

13 thoughts on “Two different kinds of prejudice and my inability to speak up one time

  1. henacynflin December 4, 2017 / 2:15 pm

    Hi, it very hard to counter all the episodes of racism and bigoted stigma that we encounter each day. Sometimes it is very hard and we don’t feel strong enough to do it and sometimes we just have to pick our battles. However, having written this piece you have done a bit to undo the unfairness that you witnessed and hopefully someone will read this and think about the behaviour they witness

    Liked by 2 people

    • updownflight December 4, 2017 / 2:30 pm

      Thank you, henacynflin! I hope so.

      I know I will have to pick my battles, but I do wish if I encounter similar ones to the ones I wrote about I will spring into more action. I think it would have been more difficult for me to confront the man expressing the mental health stigma because of how fast that happened, plus it probably wouldn’t have made much difference. I could, however, have said something to that manager. It’s too late now, though, because he’s gone. The diner is under new and better management and ownership. Maybe that nasty former manager did get told in some way or another.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Wow, what a story of grace that lovely lady demonstrated through her actions. I’m just mouthy enough I might have said something too and yet I wonder how I really would have acted under those circumstance.

    We all fear peer pressure and what people think so that silences most of us. Therefore don’t put yourself down. You also demonstrated grace. (Can you imagine being the wife of that pig of a man?) I think God meant this incident to be a learning experience and I had something occur early in my life that was similar. This will always remain in your memory and perhaps in the future it will encourage you to speak out. I will pray that you will meet this lovely lady again and show your kindness with friendship. You will be ready to show the world the beautiful butterfly you are becoming. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • updownflight December 5, 2017 / 2:16 pm

      Thank you so much for your sweet words, Ellie! I do feel confident that I will act differently now that I’m past the shock.

      Some people from other places might think my shock was naive, but I had always thought it was rare in my town. I was definitely wrong.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I believe that’s because you always look for the good/perfect in people, even yourself. That’s a wonderful trait and one I wish others would aspire to. However all of us are human, therefore imperfect since the temptation/fall of Adam and Eve. Try to see unlovable people through God’s Eyes. Be grateful you for your many blessings. I’m so grateful that He loves me faults and all too and I feel sorry for those who can’t understand that no matter what color or nationality we are, we all bleed red. Never let anyone take away your sweet trustful personality. ❤ Stay strong!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. bravingmentalillness December 30, 2017 / 8:26 pm

    I’m glad you posted this and yes, you do have to pick your battles. However, there’s only so much discrimination I can take. It doesn’t matter if it’s in the realm of ageism, racism, gender inequalities, etc. It’s difficult not to react or help when someone is in need. Happy New Year!

    Liked by 1 person

    • updownflight December 31, 2017 / 5:14 pm

      I got over that shock from this incident long ago. I’m empowered to stand up against prejudice and stigma nowadays. I think a lot more people are since even the last year.

      Happy New Year!


      • bravingmentalillness December 31, 2017 / 5:48 pm

        Yes I agree. It’s empowerin and more people are standing up for what they believe in! It’s a beautiful thing!

        Liked by 1 person

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