Actually, I do have a real vacation coming up, but not quite yet. My husband and I are going to Portugal to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary in the not too distant future. We loved Portugal the first time we went. In fact, it was about the most relaxing satisfying trips I’ve ever taken in my life. Unlike vacations that preceded it, I had no anger outbursts, no anxieties, was motivated to explore, and found pleasure in almost everything. I experienced true peace. I was also not hypomanic or manic. The enjoyment I experienced was pure grounded free pleasure. Though we haven’t yet left for our second trip to that lovely country, I am already feeling that same feeling, even at home.
I realized today that I haven’t written much about my bipolar disorder for a while, other than a silly poem I had fun writing about neurotransmitters in the brain. And that was a while back, too. No, I’m not really thinking about my mental illness at all. I’ve rarely even visited the online bipolar support groups I frequented A LOT for years. Maybe a couple of times per day I look there, and say to myself “Hmm, not interested in reading or talking about this stuff.” Instead, I’m joyfully into my new weight loss efforts. I’m having fun socializing online with others at a weight loss forum. They’re a friendly crew, and so extremely welcoming. The diet effort is not a struggle at all! It’s nothing but rewarding.
I’m at a point right now where I just want to concentrate on feeling good and grounded. I’m not thinking about the future, though I know eventually I’ll have to. I’ve recently learned that my fairly new therapist will no longer be practicing starting at the end of May. I really like her and was particularly excited when I found her at the end of February. I’m disappointed to have to look for a new therapist, but I’m not really feeling sad or disappointed, or anxious. I’m just not feeling that at all, and yet I’m not feeling nothing. I don’t think I’m in denial in any way.
I’m just dosey doeing along for now. Ha! That reminds me of a character from the book and movie Gone with the Wind. If you’ve seen that movie, do you remember when Prissy was sent to retrieve the doctor to help deliver Melanie’s baby? She went, found the doctor unwilling to come (dying men on the ground and explosions all around), but instead of rushing back, she just strolled home singing a little happy song. Then when she reached home still singing, Scarlett yelled at her and figuratively woke her up out of her blissful vacation from the stress. I guess eventually I’ll be “woken up” from my blissful “vacation”, but not now.
“How sweet to be a cloud. Floating in the blue.” quoth Winnie the Pooh – A.A. Milne