It’s obviously been ages since I wrote anything for my blog. I have a feeling that some of my old blog friends have either moved on, or likely forgot about me. I understand that. I regret that I haven’t kept up with any of your blogs lately, either.
This post is not about writer’s block. This post is about feeling uncomfortable about blogging for various reasons. Firstly, my blog started to become a weight loss blog, to a degree. That was all well and good for a while, but when I “fell off the diet wagon” I wanted to run away from that. I didn’t really want my blog to be a diet blog. If you are following my blog just for that reason, I understand if you wish to unfollow me. Please don’t respond to this post with any diet cheerleading. I don’t want it right now.
The second reason I have been absent is because of stressors. I’ve also felt the need for more privacy in recent months. I’d rather not let people I don’t know, or am not close to, enter my world right now. However, if you actually talked to me in person, you may not completely recognize my stress. I am not exactly depressed or anxious. I’m not hypomanic or manic. I rather feel a bit frozen, though I’m not “numb” in the sense that many people with bipolar disorder often claim to be. I might seem a bit standoffish with people, other than my closest family. Deep down, however, I have strong emotions forming a fist in my stomach: disappointment, mild frustration, worry, and just plain old not knowing what to do or wanting to really do it. All of this equals the “frozen” feeling.
I think that the end of the daily WordPress word prompt played a part in the shift of my blog focus. I sort of needed that prompt. Prompts, jolts, or sparks of various sorts definitely facilitate action, thoughts and creativity in me. Though there are times when I can find or create my own prompt, other times I can’t.
One of the causes of this freeze I talk about was the move of a particular psychologist of mine to a far away town. She had been a real catalyst for growth and progress. I lost her too soon, though. Instead of a new-found flame being hot and power enough to remain and grow, it was still in its infancy. When I lost her support and mental stimulation, the flame petered out quickly. The therapist I went to afterwards was terribly uninspiring. She contributed very little. I therefore began to regress. I’ve since quit her and am currently exploring new therapy relationships. I don’t know them well enough to feel optimistic. They have not yet shone any bright glow to me that energizes me. It’s still soon. I’ll try to be patient. It just sucks because they have no idea who in the hell I am or really what my situation is. And its hard to explain fully, especially when you feel comparatively unexpressive and reserved/guarded.
Sometime at the end of February, March, April, or May, at the latest, I tend to have a mood upswing. Boy am I looking forward to that happening! I certainly hope it does this year. I don’t want to become manic, but a little bounce to my step and joviality would do me much good. The beauty of more controlled upswings is that they can start the ball rolling again and perhaps reach a point where they maintain momentum for a while. Isn’t that really the main goal in living a good life with bipolar disorder? Regaining momentum and taking advantage of it while it lasts? Feeding and nurturing it to continue on, but not grow into an avalanche? With each step of progress, you need to firm up the ground under that foothold so it doesn’t give way that easily.
Maybe I am not totally uninspired. I’ve been watching a bit of the world happenings on my TV from the comfort of my nook. There is a young woman out there that is showing herself as a real leader. She’s inspiring, extremely positive, as strong as I wish I was again, ultra-intelligent, and a potential vehicle for real beneficial change. Boy, do we need more progressive forward-looking change in my country! We need an extremely honest, caring leader. To her, I dedicate this humble post that I squeezed out with some difficulty. Keep soaring ever higher, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez!