Grief

Falling tree leaning on small one

Sometimes, now, I wonder if your love for me was a mirage or some kind of wishful thinking on my part. Or were the last several years truly a very slow cancerous death, or progressing dementia, and with it, the death of love and true concern for those who truly love you?

Are you there at all, anymore? Do you remember us? Us! The real roots of the real tree. How much have the vultures picked from your flesh, as you flail there on the ground? Be careful not to lie too still.

A couple years back, I wrote about that tree. A once beautiful glorious tree! I was sad that its roots were growing thinner, and separating. I wrote that the main root was gone. I will at least say, though, that some roots seem to be re-joining, for some strength (in a type of rally), to save the tree from completely falling. They are wrapping around each other to give comfort. So, amidst the great sadness of your seeming near demise, that is at least one positive. If only you would grab on to us again!

What will my memories be of you in coming years? Can I erase these most recent ones to let those of the past shine through? Is it even possible for the you that I knew and loved to reappear? Can you show that self from this scary fog that has lightning bolts appearing from all directions?

I’m feeling utterly spent. My heart aches. I even feel that I might faint. I’m in a state where I would benefit from crying, but that pressure is not able to be released. Not even here, as I write this. As I finish this sentence, I’m still holding my breath. I’m holding my breath.


The above referenced tree post is at Family roots pulled up and separated written on April 26, 2017.

10 thoughts on “Grief

  1. pipersadventures9 October 31, 2019 / 6:28 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. Since the loss of my husband 10 months ago I often wonder if he is allowed to remember me. Love never dies and I pray that your memories will reflect to a happier time. Prayers for comfort and peace. Have a wonderful day!

    Liked by 1 person

    • updownflight November 1, 2019 / 6:18 pm

      I’m afraid that the stress has muted me for a while, Subbashini. I will be back in my old form with time. Thank you for commenting. I hope you are well.

      Like

  2. NaPropasti November 4, 2019 / 11:33 pm

    Beautifully written sad story, Flying Birdie. Your way with words expressing all matters of the psyche are truly amazing. That’s a unique skill that is helping you to cope and will help you heal.

    Liked by 1 person

    • updownflight November 4, 2019 / 11:49 pm

      Thank you, and I love you NaPropasti! More than anything or anyone in the world.

      Like

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