Some of my blog followers used to consider this a bipolar disorder blog. Yes, I always posted other stuff, too. From the beginning, I stated that not hyperfocusing on mental illness was part of my recovery. It was, and still is, however, I’ve stopped posting much of anything for over a year. Just some recipes or Czech resource articles. There are many reasons for this change. Some are predicable. Others, perhaps not so much.
Writers Block – I don’t think I’ve exhausted things I want to write about, but rather feel there is an invisible wall between me and my blog. Even the recipes I’ve posted recently have been preceded by bare bones descriptions.
Cognitive Slowing – Shit! I don’t know how to describe it this time around. See? I can’t get effective words out. I’m just fine, in some ways, though. I don’t think it’s my medications. Really! Mood issue? Maybe. Other guesses? Yes (see below). Mystery? Maybe. Blah! Boo! Hmm!
Sudden Desire for Privacy – When I first started blogging, I didn’t care who read my posts. I was expansive and disinhibited. Hypomanic? I wanted to share with the world my inner thoughts and private experiences to help fight stigma, help others feel less alone, educate a little bit, entertain, and more. Then as more and more people I know in real life started reading my blog, I felt overly exposed. Maybe a bit judged. Maybe paranoid that what I wrote might get me in some kind of trouble, of sorts. Early on, I disconnected my blog from social media. I didn’t care if that decreased my readership and follower numbers. But it still felt too late. I’ve thought about starting a whole new blog that even my husband wouldn’t know about, but then I might have no followers at all. Alone. Would such a new blog be indistinguishable from a private diary? Would sort of abandoning all that I wrote in the past make me grieve, in a sense? But I do yearn for a place to figuratively “dump out the stuff in my brain” or “explore thoughts” and play with them.
I’ve been so stressed by things going on in my life this past year and a half. It is private stuff! And I even sometimes feel that I’d like to take back some of what I’ve written, in the past. As mentioned above, it’s difficult to delete posts. It’s like killing that part of me, in a sense. Chipping away at what I was/did while I can’t figure out what I want to be/do.
Done That, Try Something New? – Is it that I had a good run blog writing, and want to move on? Ehhh, I don’t know. If it is true, I think back to all of the major efforts I started and excelled at in the past, but abandoned. I remember even writing a blog post called “If only I hadn’t quit that. Imagine where I’d be now?” But of course it is natural to move on from some things.
Should Be Doing “That” Instead – Yup! Plenty of “thats” out there. I am doing some of them, but definitely not enough. Some of those “thats” are quite important to me, and yet I still can’t do them. One is writing and editing chapters for a memoir. That’s surely difficult for many of the reasons I cited further above.
During my last session with my psychiatrist, I mentioned that I wish I’d experience some “jolt”. Like a lightening bolt strike that would reset my brain. No, I’m not talking ECT. More a major fire under my ass, but further up in my body. I’m discouraged by this stalled situation. The danged covid 19 pandemic doesn’t help, either. Of course the pandemic could be a great reason for writing, but it hasn’t inspired me.
I guess this is all I can manage for now.