Fewer bipolar-related posts on my blog – Why?

empty pageSome of my blog followers used to consider this a bipolar disorder blog. Yes, I always posted other stuff, too. From the beginning, I stated that not hyperfocusing on mental illness was part of my recovery. It was, and still is, however, I’ve stopped posting much of anything for over a year. Just some recipes or Czech resource articles. There are many reasons for this change. Some are predicable. Others, perhaps not so much.

writers blockWriters Block –  I don’t think I’ve exhausted things I want to write about, but rather feel there is an invisible wall between me and my blog. Even the recipes I’ve posted recently have been preceded by bare bones descriptions.

Cognitive Slowing – Shit! I don’t know how to describe it this time around. See? I can’t get effective words out. I’m just fine, in some ways, though. I don’t think it’s my medications. Really! Mood issue? Maybe. Other guesses? Yes (see below). Mystery? Maybe. Blah! Boo! Hmm!

privacySudden Desire for Privacy – When I first started blogging, I didn’t care who read my posts. I was expansive and disinhibited. Hypomanic? I wanted to share with the world my inner thoughts and private experiences to help fight stigma, help others feel less alone, educate a little bit, entertain, and more. Then as more and more people I know in real life started reading my blog, I felt overly exposed. Maybe a bit judged. Maybe paranoid that what I wrote might get me in some kind of trouble, of sorts. Early on, I disconnected my blog from social media. I didn’t care if that decreased my readership and follower numbers. But it still felt too late. I’ve thought about starting a whole new blog that even my husband wouldn’t know about, but then I might have no followers at all. Alone. Would such a new blog be indistinguishable from a private diary? Would sort of abandoning all that I wrote in the past make me grieve, in a sense? But I do yearn for a place to figuratively “dump out the stuff in my brain” or “explore thoughts” and play with them.

I’ve been so stressed by things going on in my life this past year and a half. It is private stuff! And I even sometimes feel that I’d like to take back some of what I’ve written, in the past. As mentioned above, it’s difficult to delete posts. It’s like killing that part of me, in a sense. Chipping away at what I was/did while I can’t figure out what I want to be/do.

Done That, Try Something New? – Is it that I had a good run blog writing, and want to move on? Ehhh, I don’t know. If it is true, I think back to all of the major efforts I started and excelled at in the past, but abandoned. I remember even writing a blog post called “If only I hadn’t quit that. Imagine where I’d be now?” But of course it is natural to move on from some things.

Should Be Doing “That” Instead – Yup! Plenty of “thats” out there. I am doing some of them, but definitely not enough. Some of those “thats” are quite important to me, and yet I still can’t do them. One is writing and editing chapters for a memoir. That’s surely difficult for many of the reasons I cited further above.

lightening majorDuring my last session with my psychiatrist, I mentioned that I wish I’d experience some “jolt”. Like a lightening bolt strike that would reset my brain. No, I’m not talking ECT. More a major fire under my ass, but further up in my body. I’m discouraged by this stalled situation. The danged covid 19 pandemic doesn’t help, either. Of course the pandemic could be a great reason for writing, but it hasn’t inspired me.

I guess this is all I can manage for now.

7 thoughts on “Fewer bipolar-related posts on my blog – Why?

  1. Mark Holley May 26, 2020 / 3:35 pm

    I’ve no expectations of you. I do many of the same things you do; writing is one way that I gather my thoughts and to explore problems and possibilities. Sometimes there aren’t really any problems or possibilities to explore, or sometimes I’m not ready to explore any problems or possibilities, or sometimes there are problems and possibilities that I can’t see. This last thing gives rise to the old aphorism, “You don’t know what you don’t know.”

    There are other ways that I work through things. I used to be an introvert, but now I’m pretty well balanced between introversion and extroversion, so in addition to writing I also talk things through with people. I’m also a creative type, so sometimes I’ll work through problems by designing things. I’ve also been reading a few self-help books lately, even though I’ve never really considered myself the type of person to read self-help books. I’ve learned that I sometimes experience insecure attachment, (anxious type, not avoidant or anxious-avoidant). I’ve taken a course about counseling theory in part so that I can become my own counselor.

    There are two large sources of friction in life – you want something that you don’t have, or you have something that you don’t want. And wanting something that you don’t have can include “wanting a want”, otherwise known as ennui, (the desire for desires). Are you experiencing one or both of these things?

    What do you value? What are your values? Are you living your life according to your values? If so, then your goals become less important and they don’t seem so difficult to attain. For example, I have daydreams of becoming a skilled web developer. If I continually focused on the goal of doing this, I might become discouraged very quickly when something that I did didn’t move me closer to this goal, or when progress is too slow. However, I *value* lifelong learning. So I try not to think overmuch about the goal of being a web developer and I’m living by my values, learning a thing or two every day and enjoying the process.

    Lastly, there’s self-compassion. Remember it. Be as kind to yourself as you would to anyone else that you loved very dearly. From what I know of your life, it has not always been easy or kind, yet here you are, still writing to us. Still being wonderfully present. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • updownflight May 28, 2020 / 4:44 pm

      Hi Mark. I’m sorry it’s taken me a couple days to respond. You have forced me to think quite deeply, my friend! Thank you for the push!

      My want is to know what I want. Not knowing is bothering me. However, you make a great point about your dream of becoming a skilled web developer. While you say you are enjoying a variety of explorations wherever they take you, I feel stuck in an uncomfortable jail of status quo right now. Looking back too much at “bipolar topics” would be a step in the wrong direction for me. I want to move forward. My “other topic” posts were pleasant meanderings along the way, but even with them I am developing an ennui (as in the French “boredom”) and ennui, as you (a psychology degree man) describe. That gets back to my mention of wanting a “jolt”, of sorts, but I know I can’t just wait around hoping to be struck by the figurative bolt of lightening. This whole pandemic sure doesn’t help, either.

      I value exploration. I always have. I used to have no fear in going anywhere. My literal and figurative bag was always packed, in the ready. It was the trauma of my worst bipolar years that gave me a bit of agoraphobia. I don’t want that anymore!

      Intellectually, I know that challenges ahead need not be achieved with perfection. I know it, but am still not kind enough to free myself from those self-imposed expectations. When I am some level of manic, I’m more free. Stable (nowadays version), not so much. And yet I know stability is the state required for true freedom in my future.

      Okay. My Goal: “Operation break down those self-imposed unreasonable expectations.”

      Like

  2. Sabine May 26, 2020 / 4:27 pm

    I only found your blog a couple of weeks ago. But I really love how it combines cooking and bipolar. It just makes so much sense.

    Now I follow your blog, and it`s really nice to see a recipe post pop up. It`s like a warm signal “Oh, good, bipolar mind is not totally consuming them”.

    I think it helps readers in that sense – as a reminder. A reminder that just because bipolar has not left us, we don`t have to think about it all the time.

    Liked by 1 person

    • updownflight May 27, 2020 / 3:54 pm

      Thank you so much for your kind words, Sabine, and following my blog. Your comment is encouraging during a time when I need it.

      At some point in the past, my blog title tagline disappeared. I added it back the other day. It clearly states my desired approach to recovery. Thanks for reinforcing the value of the plan. Me only writing it is not enough.

      I hope you are well and enjoying a variety of activities, as well!

      Like

  3. Subbashini Meenakshi Sundaram May 27, 2020 / 7:31 pm

    As a long time follower of this blog I read many posts of yours in which personal life is also shared, your posts make me to feel, if we are honest to ourselves we don’t want to fear for anyone. I believe your posts would have taught something positive to someone.

    Liked by 1 person

    • updownflight May 28, 2020 / 4:48 pm

      Thank you so much, Subbashini! I have been incredibly lucky that you follow my blog. You are supremely kind. It would do me great good to learn more of the many positive things that you share on your blog. You encourage us to “Explore the World around us.” That is precisely what I need to do more of.

      Like

      • Subbashini Meenakshi Sundaram May 28, 2020 / 7:25 pm

        Your words are so full of love, so thankful for this. Will surely continue reading your blog and learn more from your experience

        Liked by 1 person

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