Flower Bouquet #4 of 4 – Things happen for a reason

flowers airplane better

To read Part 1, click here.

To read Parts 2 & 3, click here.

I remained college roommates with my friend Liz until her graduation, one year ahead of mine. In my sophomore year (her junior), I lived with her and two of our friends in a campus apartment. It wasn’t long before I realized that I preferred dormitory life. I felt frustrated with the apartment arrangement for various reasons, but mostly because it seemed isolating. Something else might have happened, or not, but I grew very depressed. That year, I had the second worst depression to that date, after one I had at 15 ½. I couldn’t leave my room, at times, and therefore missed many classes. I stopped eating. I was paralyzed! I went from getting all A’s and B’s to getting mostly C’s and a D one semester. I had dropped out of two classes, decreasing my credit load to 12, the minimum required to live in campus housing. But the depression eventually passed. Not slowly, but quite suddenly. Continue reading

Flower Bouquets #2 & #3 – Bipolar mania and lack of empathy

flower on the floor

To read Part 1, click here.

Major changes in life are stressful for anyone, but especially for people prone to, or with, bipolar disorder. My freshman year at college was, indeed, stressful. Even the positive stuff! Like many young college students, I did a lot of partying my first year. There were so many young people on the many campuses of the huge university I attended. So many activities! The city itself was far larger than my small hometown of three thousand, requiring buses to go from campus to campus. As a boarding student, I was away from folks long-term for the first time, caring for myself completely. My classes were intensive and the study environment was far different than I was used to. If there was ever a large trigger for a bipolar episode, this was it! Continue reading

A bipolar disorder irritability story. Not even a severe one. Won’t even go there!

Anger sign

I thought I was doing fairly well today, mood-wise, until I went to the grocery store. Well, maybe I started to get unwell towards the end of my conversation with my sister. She didn’t say anything to trigger it. I totally brought it on myself. I was not angry at her at all, but more fuming about other people (politicians, certain organizations, etc.). Then I asked my brother to come over for dinner tomorrow, in exchange for some handyman advice. He accepted, so then I realized I needed some groceries in order to make him a nice meal. So I set out for the grocery store. Then the “irritability” started to balloon. Continue reading

Cars, racing with blinders on, and staring forward looking at virtual nothing

Walk down road
I remember many years of journeys without a car. Of course they started in early childhood, and continued when I went to a small private school in an rural environment. In the beginning of my time there, I waited for a van transport home each afternoon. Then I decided to just walk home, instead. It was a four mile walk. I either felt one with nature and carefully observed my surroundings, or was creating stories in my head. My own stories. Sometimes people I knew spotted me and gave me a ride part of the way, but that was only occasionally.

Continue reading

Is it a bipolar mixed episode, ultra rapid cycling, or just “mood lability”?

mixed episode face

Putting a label on what’s happening to one’s mood can sometimes be difficult for people with bipolar disorder (BP). Having visited bipolar online forums for years, I encountered the questions in the title quite often. I know what is written in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – Fifth Edition (DSM-5) and highly-regarded textbooks on the disorder, but that hasn’t always cleared up my occasional confusion, either. Some questions have been mostly answered, but others not fully. Truth is, answers can vary by mental health expert. Even the teams of doctors and consultants working on the DSM debated on some of its contents. Regardless, I hope some of what’s in this post is interesting food for thought. Continue reading

So extremely bad…that it’s amazing!!!

Angry chicken

So my husband and I went to Lowe’s today to look for a new faucet to go with the new counter top we’ll have installed next week. I knew we’d end up leaving there with more than we could carry. I know my people! So, I volunteered to get a cart, leaving hubby to enter the store on his own. When I returned to him, I saw him standing with a young female clerk, both laughing hysterically. I said “What on earth did you say to this young lady?!?!” Continue reading

Interesting similarities/links between bipolar disorder & other conditions

I’ve done a bit of research in the past about dissociative symptoms, migraines, bipolar disorder, seizure disorders and pseudo seizures, and even fibromyalgia. There are an uncanny number of  similarities/links between them in some peoples’ experiences. Some (not all necessarily common to all) are as follows: Continue reading

Stream of consciousness – From the present working backwards

stream of consciousness

I’ve been in one of those strange states where at times I feel and seem extremely normal and even pretty well, and yet in ways I’m really struggling. My eating has been just terrible. Really terrible! And I’m even hiding a lot of it from my husband. Almost like when an alcohol abuser hides their bottles.

Morning and early afternoons seem to be OK, but come around 3 pm and I feel like I’m slipping. I’ll admit that I just got my monthly. Perhaps that is playing into this. My motivation is almost nil right now. I have no idea what to make for dinner, and wish I didn’t even have to make it. I wish some vegetable heavy meal would just show up on my table at 7 pm when my husband gets home, and call me to the table, too. Continue reading