Enough

Enough walking away from brick wall

I can write a million words for you,
ne’er one is good enough.

I can send ten thousand hugs your way,
but none are tight enough.

I do a passionate dance in hopes you’ll watch,
but its beauty is not recognized by you.

I’d rather live a life with only one,
than around many more, and be untrue to myself.

To those who are ne’er satisfied with anything I do,
“I’ve had more than enough of you!”

Trauma from years of severe bipolar disorder episodes

Sunset

This morning, I just read a bphope.com blog post by Melody Moezzi entitled “Bipolar & Hospitalization – When Treatment Is Traumatic“. I found it addressed a significant topic that I’ve heard/read others discuss in the past. However, when hearing/reading such stories, I think back to some of my many hospitalizations. I, too, was literally dragged into isolation rooms and given injections. I was, at times, so sick that a hospital security staff member had to follow me around the ward for a couple days and watch me shower. However, unlike Melody’s (and some others’) experiences, when looking back, I found that it was even more my actual bipolar illness that left me with trauma. I don’t deny the trauma Melody writes about, or even that trauma can’t trigger bipolar disorder (I definitely know that), but feel that trauma, from the illness, is too inadequately discussed. Continue reading

Fewer bipolar-related posts on my blog – Why?

empty pageSome of my blog followers used to consider this a bipolar disorder blog. Yes, I always posted other stuff, too. From the beginning, I stated that not hyperfocusing on mental illness was part of my recovery. It was, and still is, however, I’ve stopped posting much of anything for over a year. Just some recipes or Czech resource articles. There are many reasons for this change. Some are predicable. Others, perhaps not so much. Continue reading

Many forms of communication can give psychological relief

bird speaking
The bird speaks, sings, dances, writes, and flies.

I talk out loud to myself all of the time. I even do so in public, sometimes. What I say seems interesting to me, but maybe it wouldn’t to others. Often I just say odd-ball random things, or repeat phrases or make odd noises. Just yesterday, my hubby came into the bedroom from his office asking who I was talking to. I just told him not to worry and that I was talking to myself and to “Go back into your office and leave me be!” And only 20 minutes ago, I was in his office with him and started to talk to myself again. He became annoyed and told me to be quiet (he was working), so I just went to my bedroom and shut the door, and began talking to myself again, happily.

Continue reading

Time to lower my cholesterol again!

Cholesterol info chart1About nine years ago, I reached my heaviest weight ever. It happened so quickly! I blamed a combination of the depression I had experienced that year, and the weight unfriendly medications I was taking. In addition, being overweight was not exactly rare in my family.

My depression, at that time, was so stubborn that I was urged to get a series of electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) treatments. The treatments actually did alleviate my depression, but then the doctors put me back on the same weight unfriendly and ineffective mix I was on before the ECT. The depression came back. I was also told that I was pre-diabetic, had high cholesterol, and very high triglycerides. Really, enough was enough! I luckily had a major medication overhaul and my general practitioner (GP) was giving me lectures about my diet and lack of exercise. Continue reading

Cars, racing with blinders on, and staring forward looking at virtual nothing

Walk down road
I remember many years of journeys without a car. Of course they started in early childhood, and continued when I went to a small private school in an rural environment. In the beginning of my time there, I waited for a van transport home each afternoon. Then I decided to just walk home, instead. It was a four mile walk. I either felt one with nature and carefully observed my surroundings, or was creating stories in my head. My own stories. Sometimes people I knew spotted me and gave me a ride part of the way, but that was only occasionally.

Continue reading

So extremely bad…that it’s amazing!!!

Angry chicken

So my husband and I went to Lowe’s today to look for a new faucet to go with the new counter top we’ll have installed next week. I knew we’d end up leaving there with more than we could carry. I know my people! So, I volunteered to get a cart, leaving hubby to enter the store on his own. When I returned to him, I saw him standing with a young female clerk, both laughing hysterically. I said “What on earth did you say to this young lady?!?!” Continue reading

Stream of consciousness – From the present working backwards

stream of consciousness

I’ve been in one of those strange states where at times I feel and seem extremely normal and even pretty well, and yet in ways I’m really struggling. My eating has been just terrible. Really terrible! And I’m even hiding a lot of it from my husband. Almost like when an alcohol abuser hides their bottles.

Morning and early afternoons seem to be OK, but come around 3 pm and I feel like I’m slipping. I’ll admit that I just got my monthly. Perhaps that is playing into this. My motivation is almost nil right now. I have no idea what to make for dinner, and wish I didn’t even have to make it. I wish some vegetable heavy meal would just show up on my table at 7 pm when my husband gets home, and call me to the table, too. Continue reading

When people with bipolar disorder disappear or “fall off the map”

hide in the cornerI’m not sure if I can do justice to this topic right now, but I’m posting about it anyway to explain why I haven’t been around much.

Starting around April of this year, my blog posting slowed up significantly. I confess that my habit of reading other peoples’ blog posts slowed up even more. I don’t even remember where my head was then. Continue reading

Punishment severity (and references to Me Too movement)

Tar and feather
This man was tarred and feathered.

This morning, I was in Burger King splurging on a breakfast sandwich, and on a TV was a show called “Wendy”. The topic was Morgan Freeman and the recent inappropriate behavior/misconduct accusations against him. I listened to the accusations, which after stated received shocked “Ooooos!” from the Wendy audience. I also learned that his contract with Visa Corporation for commercials ended because of them. Will more be? Will we ever see or hear him again? I scratched my head and thought that there seemed a clear difference between his (what I call) inappropriate “dirty old man” behavior, and some of the very serious sexual misconduct, intimidation, and rape charges of other famous men, like Kevin Spacey, Harvey Weinstein, and Bill Cosby. Continue reading