I did something, a bit ago, that I feel quite good about. I’ll mention it in the form of a story, for anyone who wishes to read it.
When I was 16 years old, I had just experienced the first severe depression of my life. I nearly flunked the year at school because I skipped many days, hiding secretly at home. When it was realized, I was more punished and scolded, than comforted…for feeling so ill. Some of what triggered the depression had to do with ballet, and my seemingly squashed dreams of becoming a serious ballet dancer. The rest was just the inevitable onset of a disorder destined to show itself, anyway.
This morning, I just read a bphope.com blog post by Melody Moezzi entitled “Bipolar & Hospitalization – When Treatment Is Traumatic“. I found it addressed a significant topic that I’ve heard/read others discuss in the past. However, when hearing/reading such stories, I think back to some of my many hospitalizations. I, too, was literally dragged into isolation rooms and given injections. I was, at times, so sick that a hospital security staff member had to follow me around the ward for a couple days and watch me shower. However, unlike Melody’s (and some others’) experiences, when looking back, I found that it was even more my actual bipolar illness that left me with trauma. I don’t deny the trauma Melody writes about, or even that trauma can’t trigger bipolar disorder (I definitely know that), but feel that trauma, from the illness, is too inadequately discussed. Continue reading →
Some of my blog followers used to consider this a bipolar disorder blog. Yes, I always posted other stuff, too. From the beginning, I stated that not hyperfocusing on mental illness was part of my recovery. It was, and still is, however, I’ve stopped posting much of anything for over a year. Just some recipes or Czech resource articles. There are many reasons for this change. Some are predicable. Others, perhaps not so much. Continue reading →
Without proper treatment and efforts for wellness…
My bipolar manic behavior can become ‘out of control” and “scary”. It has led to the end of numerous relationships, prevented relationships, got me fired or threatened to be fired, made me quit jobs, affected my job performance, made me lose money, made me put my well-being at risk (in many ways), led to cops being called (or almost called), caused me extreme embarrassment and guilt after-the-fact, hurt and/or scared people I love/like, put my life and others’ in jeopardy, caused me some trauma… Continue reading →
I remained college roommates with my friend Liz until her graduation, one year ahead of mine. In my sophomore year (her junior), I lived with her and two of our friends in a campus apartment. It wasn’t long before I realized that I preferred dormitory life. I felt frustrated with the apartment arrangement for various reasons, but mostly because it seemed isolating. Something else might have happened, or not, but I grew very depressed. That year, I had the second worst depression to that date, after one I had at 15 ½. I couldn’t leave my room, at times, and therefore missed many classes. I stopped eating. I was paralyzed! I went from getting all A’s and B’s to getting mostly C’s and a D one semester. I had dropped out of two classes, decreasing my credit load to 12, the minimum required to live in campus housing. But the depression eventually passed. Not slowly, but quite suddenly. Continue reading →
Major changes in life are stressful for anyone, but especially for people prone to, or with, bipolar disorder. My freshman year at college was, indeed, stressful. Even the positive stuff! Like many young college students, I did a lot of partying my first year. There were so many young people on the many campuses of the huge university I attended. So many activities! The city itself was far larger than my small hometown of three thousand, requiring buses to go from campus to campus. As a boarding student, I was away from folks long-term for the first time, caring for myself completely. My classes were intensive and the study environment was far different than I was used to. If there was ever a large trigger for a bipolar episode, this was it! Continue reading →
Mild Trigger Warning – This post series may contain some events that could be mild emotional triggers, especially for those who’ve experienced some form of stalking, rejection, or molestation.
A while back, I mentioned that I was writing a memoir in order to save past memories before they became too fuzzy in my mind. I’ve actually written a chunk of it. Draft chapters can be found by selecting “Story Series” in my Category list (on the right sidebar). The “Four Bouquets of Flowers” stories are ones I can’t quite fit into the memoir effectively, but wanted to write about, all the same.
I thought I was doing fairly well today, mood-wise, until I went to the grocery store. Well, maybe I started to get unwell towards the end of my conversation with my sister. She didn’t say anything to trigger it. I totally brought it on myself. I was not angry at her at all, but more fuming about other people (politicians, certain organizations, etc.). Then I asked my brother to come over for dinner tomorrow, in exchange for some handyman advice. He accepted, so then I realized I needed some groceries in order to make him a nice meal. So I set out for the grocery store. Then the “irritability” started to balloon. Continue reading →
Putting a label on what’s happening to one’s mood can sometimes be difficult for people with bipolar disorder (BP). Having visited bipolar online forums for years, I encountered the questions in the title quite often. I know what is written in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – Fifth Edition (DSM-5) and highly-regarded textbooks on the disorder, but that hasn’t always cleared up my occasional confusion, either. Some questions have been mostly answered, but others not fully. Truth is, answers can vary by mental health expert. Even the teams of doctors and consultants working on the DSM debated on some of its contents. Regardless, I hope some of what’s in this post is interesting food for thought. Continue reading →