Bipolar (or major depressive) episode denial – Wanting to be stable

moodchart example

The topic of this post is not denial of a bipolar or major depressive disorder diagnosis, though that is extremely common, it is rather when you accept your diagnosis, but don’t want to accept that you’re in an episode.   Continue reading

Dancing in the skies to dancing on the keyboard

dancing on keyboard

I have written almost 200 blog posts since the end of February 2017. Of those blog posts, 20 (10%) include a reference to my love and history of dancing. This love seemed to be born in me, and nurtured throughout my youth. Even as I get older, if I’m not dancing on the floor to music, my mind is dancing to the music I create with words. That dance performance can be spied through the brisk movements of my hands as they quickly move upon my keyboard.   Continue reading

I just want to go home, but I’m already home

home seclusion

I remember being at work, or somewhere else, and thinking over and over again that “I just want to go home.” The hours seemed like days. I’d watch the clock, and it would seem to have stopped. Two minutes before I was officially to be set free, I’d run around the corner and make an escape. I knew that those last two minutes would just kill me, so I had to make the run for it while I could still breathe.  Continue reading

Obsessive or maladaptive daydreaming easing back into grounded creative thinking

daydreaming

When I was about 20 years old, I had fallen into a deep depression. I was a junior in college at the time. I ended up having to drop two of my classes, taking me down to the minimum 12 credits needed in order to stay in campus housing. I could hardly even handle the 12 credits. I missed several class meetings, but did manage to go when exams were held. I’d spend most of the days in my bed ruminating about death, and my lack of ability to cope with life. Hours flew by quickly; I’d sleep 12 or more hours, and wake up again to resume ruminating.  Continue reading

Bipolar and Energy Levels

I’ve been struggling to write in my blog lately, and haven’t been able to read as many other bloggers’ posts as I’d like. I’m sorry! Initially, the struggle had to do with my inability to concentrate due to various levels of bipolar mania (high energy). Now I just plain don’t have sufficient energy. Continue reading

Sensory overload

curtains drawn

I am feeling far from sunny today. Grief fills my heart, mind and soul and everything around me looks grey and decaying. Even with my bedroom light turned on I feel overwhelmed. I shut my curtains for relief. It’s almost as if I have a migraine, but there is no headache, per se. No, my head doesn’t ache, but a great weight is bearing down on it, causing dullness in thinking, strain, and utter fatigue. Continue reading

Childhood interrupted (Part 1 of 2)

ballet dancer 1

This is the first part of a two part series describing my first depression and mania of my life. It is a first draft for one of the chapters in my working memoir. For other stories in my memoir, please see my posts in my “Story series” category.

Continue reading

Long-term uniform mild mood disruption is not good enough. Or is it?

moodchart

People who experience mood disorders, like unipolar depression and bipolar disorder, are most intensely monitored when severe mood disruptions are occurring, such as moderate-severe depression, moderate to severe mania, or episodes with mixed features. Also of deep concern are labile moods where the afflicted quickly cycle between various mood states. In the case of bipolar disorder, this would mean mood fluctuations between depression, hypomania/mania or mixed states within short periods of time (i.e. hours, days or weeks). But what happens in many of these peoples’ treatments when the mood state is uniform/level, but not severe, and yet not completely considered stable either? Continue reading

Messages to help people survive suicidal thinking

desperate-2293377__340

Mental Health Daily’s Mental Health Blog gathered 10 powerful quotes and sayings aimed at suicide prevention. Since we are nearing the end of Mental Health Awareness month (May), I thought I’d share these quotes and sayings with you. The above-mentioned blog post provides some helpful comments after each quote. Consider visiting it. I thought they were very helpful, and were a quick read. Continue reading

My 1st through 10th painful psychiatric incarcerations (Part 4 of 4)

depression falling down

Please consider reading Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 of this four part post series before continuing with this post.

***Some content in this post may be disturbing or triggering. This post primarily focuses on a major depressive episode of Bipolar disorder type 1***

At the end of Part 3 of this post series, I had attended my eighth out of 10 hospitalizations for mania and/or mania with mixed features, and was again in an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP). The remaining major depressive episode eased briefly. I had improved sufficiently enough to return back to work part-time and resume care under my private psychiatrist, Dr. Ripley.

Only two months later, the depressive episode worsened to severe, but there were no hints of mania involved. Continue reading