A Story of Musical Hallucinations (When music mostly died for me)

Music notes birdI don’t know how long it’s been exactly, but I’d say at least four years.  It was back then that for me the music stopped sounding good, or at least it stopped invigorating my soul. How to really explain it, I do not know.

I was a dancer from the first days that I remember. Music was central in my life. Jazz played in my grandparents’ music room. Classical music in the dance studio. I liked Rock and Roll the whole time, too. Really any music satisfied me, and I could dance to almost anything, even the buzzing of the street lamp, or the sound of a rope slapping the flag pole in the wind. Continue reading

From fully transparent to partially opaque

free expression

“I realized in the early days I just didn’t edit at all. But I think you become a little more cagey with your lyrics when you know more people are going to hear them and make assumptions about you as a person. Realizing that, you want to be a little more opaque.” – Eddie Vedder (of the band Pearl Jam)

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Psychiatric Avalanche Effect – Unraveling the mystery of my past brain quirks

avalanche

About 12 years ago, one “thread” of my brain’s tapestry got pulled hard, and some of the rest started to quickly unravel. It wasn’t just the blue threads, but the red, yellow, and purple threads seem to unravel, too. The image of stability and mental wellness started to disappear. Doctors of various sorts, and numerous therapists, tried to knit my brain back to before, but the various colored “threads” became misaligned at times and the image was sometimes unrecognizable and disturbing. Continue reading