Getting where I need to be (and thanks to Nel for telling me it’s World Turtle Day). Moving slowly but surely.

catapult

I’m like a turtle sitting in its box, or at the least slowly making its way to a not so obvious destination, and then returning home in frustration.

I am slowed down not just from my general condition, but a chemical fix that is meant to keep me sedated and calm. Unfortunately this fix slows me down more than I’d wish. I try to push myself. Or maybe sometimes there’s an invisible slow-moving hand pushing me forward, with my feet and belly sliding on the ground. Continue reading

Left adrift, but found our way

sailboat

Looking back at my childhood through my mid 20s, I suppose one could say that compared to other youth, I was mostly left adrift. I think my siblings were, as well. My parents were the opposite of “helicopter parents” in that they did not control our every move. In fact, they did not control much of what we did. They provided us with a nice home, and good food to eat. They took us on weekend and other excursions. They did teach us right from wrong, but beyond that we had a certain freedom that many other children our ages didn’t seem to have. Continue reading

Learning from Cats

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Right now, I am resigned to the necessity of patience and carefully calculated approaches. Being middle-aged, I have learned from the impulsivity of my youth. It took me a very long time to get to this point of control, and ability to safely stay put. Today, I’m aware how important it is to keep my eyes widely opened to make sure I know what is ahead, aside and behind me. Continue reading

My 1st through 10th painful psychiatric incarcerations (Part 4 of 4)

depression falling down

Please consider reading Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 of this four part post series before continuing with this post.

***Some content in this post may be disturbing or triggering. This post primarily focuses on a major depressive episode of Bipolar disorder type 1***

At the end of Part 3 of this post series, I had attended my eighth out of 10 hospitalizations for mania and/or mania with mixed features, and was again in an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP). The remaining major depressive episode eased briefly. I had improved sufficiently enough to return back to work part-time and resume care under my private psychiatrist, Dr. Ripley.

Only two months later, the depressive episode worsened to severe, but there were no hints of mania involved. Continue reading

Peaceful and effective collaboration in writing

editor

I have always considered myself to be an idea person. Having ideas certainly helps in my ability to write, not just in coming up with new themes, but in variety of writing styles. Generally in my most personal pieces, I tend to go through the process completely alone. The full written piece is just mine. But there are other pieces I write that with collaboration from others (mostly only my husband), become even more effective, and I feel more appealing to a greater audience. Continue reading

New Jersey and You, Perfect Together

Huge thanks to Mohamad Al Karbi for the invite to guest write in his wonderful blog’s “Around the World” section. I’ve enjoyed Mohamad’s blog since the beginning of my time on WordPress, and have much appreciated his support of mine. He asked me to write the post below about where I come from, and I […]

via New Jersey and You, Perfect Together — Mohamad Al Karbi

There’s lots to learn about New Jersey.

-updownflight (Bird Flight blog)

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When I was “In the pink”

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Feeling great physically and emotionally

I have to confess that it’s been years since I exercised regularly. I am even disappointed in myself because I don’t eat as well as I used to. This was not always the case. I’ve had periods in my life when I exercised all of the time and maintained what my husband refers to as my “Every meal two veggie and/or fruit policy.” I was like an army sergeant about that. Luckily hubby likes veggies and fruits. Continue reading

My 1st through 10th painful psychiatric incarcerations (Part 1 of 4)

psychiatrist

***Some content in this post may be very triggering***
Before I start this post series, please note that I do not remember all of my 10 psychiatric hospitalizations. Many are mostly lost from my memory, so I will use hospital records to assist me in writing about them. This first installment is actually a part of this story series that I do remember in some detail. My bipolar disorder was not at its very worst at this point. My episodes worsened over the four years that followed. In this post I was 33 & 34 years old.
This series is being written in preparation for a chapter in my working memoir.

Continue reading

Pursuit of pleasure to lonely walk down a pictureless hallway

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A story about minor mood lability. Many of us have it on occasion. People with bipolar disorder even more often, usually.

I remember one day maybe five years ago sitting in my therapist’s office feeling like I was on the edge of my seat. I had been feeling a bit depressed for a while prior to that day, but my mood was improving very rapidly. I told her, “Renee, I’m going to set out on a pursuit of pleasure. I’m ready.” To that I believe she asked me what exactly I meant. In response, I told her I was going to trip the light fantastic and paint the town blue. She grimaced, but said nothing. Continue reading

A true traveler vs. a temporary tourist

traveling train rails

“Be a true traveler, don’t be a temporary tourist.” – Amit Kalantri

journey photoI believe a true traveler embarks on journeys that leave a lasting impression on their heart and mind.  The voyage doesn’t have to be to another country or faraway land. It can be an exploration near home and the distance traveled not geographical, but one that is philosophical or experiential.  A true journey doesn’t just yield miscellaneous facts, fleeting images, and banal stories. It always bears some kind of change, hopefully one of understanding and betterment. Continue reading